The Rollercoaster From Hell: Grief
I've started losing the full ability of my right hand over the last 2 years due to a degenerative, neurological disease called Essential Tremor.
The grief I've experienced from this loss is like Chinese water torture.
Heaven help the person who thinks grieving happens in a linear fashion.
Oh hell no.
Grief is a helluva rollercoaster.
Proof: My last 2 hours...
I stayed up way too late this weekend in the studio. I’ll have another cup of coffee. It’ll be fine. No, it totally won’t make my tremor worse while recording cello for my Christmas album.
*spills coffee all over the table*
Are you kidding me?! I spilled something AGAIN?! Who makes these mugs, don’t they know it's easier for my hand to knock over and spill?!
*violently throws mug away*
Ha. I should walk around with a sign, "Warning: Cries Over Spilt Milk."
Well, at least I don’t have cancer. Somehow cancer jokes are worse... Right?
Shit. I can’t keep up this charade. I don't know what I'm doing... Okay, okay. After I record this simple glockenspiel part, I'll just give up and go to bed forever.
What the hell?! This glockenspiel is OF THE DEVIL. I cannot accurately hit that note without my hand mucking it up.
Hmm... Fine, I surrender. I’ll use a MIDI vibraphone instead. I guess it'll do okay. I'll just mix the cello part a little louder to make up the difference.
Ohhhhh... Well, now I know why people spend so much money on microphones - my cello just can’t seem to sound it’s best. The microphone is way too harsh and abrasive, and definitely not from my arm trying to strong-arm a tremor into magically vanishing.
Okay, it's time to take a break. Write a blog post. It'll calm the tremor down a bit.
Ha, watching my career from afar is like watching a train slowly careening off a cliff.
Well, at least there’s a benefit in the fact that some people might not want to look away from the wreckage... More album sales that way?
Yeah right, no one’s going to want to read this or listen to my poorly executed songs.
SNAP OUT OF IT! This sad-sack version of yourself is infuriating and oh so tiring.
Come on, you have got to put a bow on this. Somehow. Just do something else. Anything else. Distract yourself. There’s plenty on your to-do list to not be thinking about this.
For all I care, The 5 Stages of Grief can go take a long, cold, wet hike up Mount Rainier.
I just want my hand back.
*closes laptop to go do something else*