The Rollercoaster From Hell: Grief

I've started losing the full ability of my right hand over the last 2 years due to a degenerative, neurological disease called Essential Tremor.

The grief I've experienced from this loss is like Chinese water torture.

Heaven help the person who thinks grieving happens in a linear fashion.

Oh hell no.

Grief is a helluva rollercoaster.

Rollercoaster_From_Hell-Grief-EmilyAnnPeterson.com.jpg

Proof: My last 2 hours...

The Rollercoaster From Hell-Grief(2).jpg

DENIAL

I stayed up way too late this weekend in the studio. I’ll have another cup of coffee. It’ll be fine. No, it totally won’t make my tremor worse while recording cello for my Christmas album

ANGER

*spills coffee all over the table*

Are you kidding me?! I spilled something AGAIN?! Who makes these mugs, don’t they know it's easier for my hand to knock over and spill?!  

*violently throws mug away*

DEPRESSION

*starts crying*

HUMOR

Ha. I should walk around with a sign, "Warning: Cries Over Spilt Milk."

BARGAINING

Well, at least I don’t have cancer. Somehow cancer jokes are worse... Right?

DEPRESSION

Shit. I can’t keep up this charade. I don't know what I'm doing... Okay, okay. After I record this simple glockenspiel part, I'll just give up and go to bed forever. 

ANGER

What the hell?! This glockenspiel is OF THE DEVIL. I cannot accurately hit that note without my hand mucking it up.

BARGAINING

Hmm... Fine, I surrender. I’ll use a MIDI vibraphone instead. I guess it'll do okay. I'll just mix the cello part a little louder to make up the difference.

DENIAL

Ohhhhh... Well, now I know why people spend so much money on microphones - my cello just can’t seem to sound it’s best. The microphone is way too harsh and abrasive, and definitely not from my arm trying to strong-arm a tremor into magically vanishing.

BARGAINING

Okay, it's time to take a break. Write a blog post. It'll calm the tremor down a bit.

HUMOR

Ha, watching my career from afar is like watching a train slowly careening off a cliff. 

BARGAINING

Well, at least there’s a benefit in the fact that some people might not want to look away from the wreckage... More album sales that way?

DEPRESSION

Yeah right, no one’s going to want to read this or listen to my poorly executed songs.

ANGER

SNAP OUT OF IT! This sad-sack version of yourself is infuriating and oh so tiring.

BARGAINING

Come on, you have got to put a bow on this. Somehow.  Just do something else. Anything else. Distract yourself. There’s plenty on your to-do list to not be thinking about this.

ANGER

For all I care, The 5 Stages of Grief can go take a long, cold, wet hike up Mount Rainier.

I'm exhausted.

I just want my hand back.

 

ACCEPTANCE

*closes laptop to go do something else*

3 comments

Bethany Joy <3 Nov 9, 2015 10:44pm

Idea I am having~ Because I want to further my practice in the treatment world, and am still weary of my talents and abilities (confidence factor, exploring this idea of confidence... the kind where when my foot lands, i am sure of my foot landing on solid-ish ground, unless i find myself in a new territory) at any rate, would you be willing to trade shows for arm/hand massage? In that case, I can continue my research in treatment, mark your progress, and document a Functional Change Report over a period of 5 weeks (one session once a week), and then you could have maybe less of said tremor and documentation of progress! I love you! And I'd love to do this with you. Her's some info and technique I looked up regarding the benefits of massage from this pathology: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24139008

Bethany Joy <3 Nov 9, 2015 10:48pm

"wary" of my talents not weary of my talents (but then when i say this, my intention is to completely BE confident here in my abilities, because I am great at this, and want to learn more.) Ps- self talk is an interesting reflection damnit. :)

Emily Ann Peterson Nov 10, 2015 05:30pm

Oh! Thank you Bethany! Let's connect to see if it might work out!