My Island Of Gratitude
I released my debut EP last week. Yay!
I managed to catch a brutal head cold this weekend. I could feel it coming on the second I walked off the stage from my performance with Stephanie Anne Johnson's new band, Northern Pacific. (It's courteous to wait til all other members of the band have left the venue, but I could tell I wasn't gonna be able to make that happen. I had to leave.)
My body knows what's up.
& I'm grateful it knows when to get sick. (Read: "force me to rest.")
I always get sick after momentous occasions.
I'm sure each of my family members remember most holidays over the last 10 years with a sick, sniffly, migraine-ridden Emily knocked-out from Nyquil or Dramamine in the darkest corner of the room with a box of tissues.
Holidays are preceded by finals, recitals, and huge performance seasons.
Consequently the holiday season also hold the release of all that stress afterwards.
Same goes for an album release, evidently.
It's really hard to think straight.
...Mainly due to all the Nyquil I took, but also because I just found out that a small amount of monthly income is no longer available to me. Just enough of an income loss to go into full-on survival mode.
So now underneath the medicated-fog, there is a tiny man screaming in my brain...
- How are you gonna pay the bills come December??!?!?!?!?
- Is your car gonna get repossessed??!?!?!
- You've got to be crazy!!!!
- How fast can you sell your cello??!?!?!?!
- Thank God, you have enough for food...
I just jumped off a cliff & released my debut album...
is this what it's like to slowly watch myself crash into the ground?
That was yesterday.
Today, I'm angry.
I'm really f***ing angry that a loss of a measly (and imaginary) sum of money made me completely question my existence.
But even more than anger, I'm left with more questions. Mainly...
1) How does one continue to value herself when she's at a new rock bottom?
2) When the definition of a personhood morphs from old to new, how does one clarify her ambitions, goals and dreams?
Speaking of goals...
Iceland just gave an. entire. island. to Bjork in gratitude to her cultural contributions both in and out of her home country.
LOOK. at. it.
A facepalm would be an extreme understatement... if this story were true. (It is not.)
& okay, Bjork. You're amazing. Which is why this story actually rates high on the scale of believability. I love you. We all love you.
but what I'm hearing is...
"Think long-game & surround yourself with safety and support. Make yourself an island." - [tweet it.]
I can try that.
So as the Nyquil continues to wear off, my long-term goals become clearer and clearer...
...with the help of my very own island of gratitude.
- I am surrounded by so many people that value art and music. They honestly and truly want to see me succeed.
- There are people and other artists out there that 'get it' and are doing the same thing. I am not alone. This has been done before.
- I get to share meals with some of these people on a daily basis. (!!!)
- I have so many kick-ass skills that need to be used. (Worth mentioning: I am not solely a cellist. Nor am I solely a musician. I am way more than that.)
- I have a (relatively) healthy body. & I love it from the tips of my toes to the tips of my trembling fingers.
- There is a roof above my head. My house is great. My room feels luscious. The fridge is full.
There is way more to add to that list.
But those are the 6 things that will let me wake up tomorrow. Excited.
Excited to take the world by storm.